Absolutely F&%$ing Nothing

byVandemonium1

Dear reader. This is another light hearted story of betrayal that won’t stand up too long to an intense reality check. Warning: It contains undeveloped characters that some people may not be able to identify with. It contains no backstory, or as I like to call it, padding. It will leave the hardcore BTBers hungry, the RAAC adherents starving and the lovers of appropriate justice smiling, I hope. Please comment on whether you think this paragraph spoiled the story. I hate wasting people’s time.

In this one, I have gone to the effort of inventing a new way the cheating is exposed. Once again, if my research has been remiss, I apologise.

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I was home alone and feeling sorry for myself, taking my enforced idleness pretty badly. Time for a change of tactics, from trying to get my job back to recouping my reputation.

You see, I used to be a project manager until six weeks ago. I’d once described my job to my wife as juggling 500 balls at the same time and arranging for them all to hit the ground at precisely the same time. After 20 years I’d finally got into some big projects and some big money. After paying the kids college fees and for my wife’s extravagant lifestyle, the money would be handy, if I didn’t want to die of old age on the job. We didn’t have much in the bank and with no income coming in, it was getting bleak. 

Yes, I felt sorry for myself. The last project went badly wrong when the main contract company went belly up. I’d had a friend, still within the company, get the minutes of the board meeting, where I’d urged them not to go for the cheapest tenderer, but they were no help. Given a choice of me or them, the board must have pressured the minutes’ secretary to doctor them.

I was home alone as my wife of 20 years, Sandra, had gone to her sister’s for the fifth Friday night in a row. She’d asked me if I wanted to go, but as usual, I declined. Why would I want to help her sister plan her 15^th anniversary? Sure her sister was fine, but that arrogant prick of a husband of hers, I couldn’t stand. He owned a small but successful manufacturing company that he’d started with his wife’s inheritance. Fuck, if he told me once more that it was worth $12M, I would strangle the little toad.

My self-inflicted exile was interrupted at 9.10PM by the doorbell. After three Bourbons I was a little confused when I opened the door. There was my wife as she looked 10 years ago. I smiled as I realised it was Linda, Sandra’s kid sister. Now it was obvious. Slightly shorter, quite a bit prettier and with significantly bigger boobs. I welcomed her in and offered coffee or tea. We exchanged small talk for a while.

“What gives Linda? I thought Sandra was visiting you and Neil, planning your anniversary?”

I didn’t miss Linda’s momentary look of confusion.

“Our anniversary was four weeks ago Dave.”

Now it was my turn to be confused. Bourbon has many fine uses, but increasing your mental acuity isn’t one of them. Rather than make a complete dick of myself, I kept silent. Linda obviously had things on her mind.

“Look, I know you didn’t want Neil or I to mention anything to you, I guess I can understand you would find it a bit embarrassing, but I just wanted to thank you for your and Sandra’s gift personally. It’s the most generous, thoughtful present I can imagine and we are very grateful.”

I relegated my previous thoughts to the ‘slightly bemused’ category. Now I WAS confused.

“What are you talking about Linda?”

“Well, if you want to play the denial game, I can play along. I’m not sure exactly what Sandra has told you. Gosh, it’s a bit embarrassing.”

She paused to compose herself, obviously not prepared for my reactions so far.

“As I’m sure Sandra told you…I’m frigid. I have never enjoyed sex. Sure, I do my wifely duty for Neil once a week, if I have to, but I hate it. Consequently, Neil has been saying that all the romance has gone from our marriage and he must be right, we haven’t been out together for ages. Not only that, we have been unable to conceive a child. Frankly, we’ve been lucky to make it this far. That’s why your and Sandra’s gift has meant so much to Neil and I. I just wanted to thank you personally. I’m really envious Dave. You must have a really strong marriage if you trust Linda this much.”

I don’t know if she caught my totally dumbfounded facial expression but if she did, it didn’t stop her giving me a light kiss on the lips.

“Thanks Dave, you’re a gem.”

“What the fuck is going on Linda. Where is Sandra?”

“Why, she’s out on a date with Neil silly.”

My sudden look of stricken anger must have finally got through to my smiling sister in law.”

“I repeat Linda, what the fuck is going on?”

“Well Linda said it was your idea. Your and her gift for our anniversary. 10 dates with Neil over 10 weeks. Neil gets 10 weeks of romance and I get 10 weeks of not being pestered. Sandra said you agreed that it would spice up your flagging sex life. Knowing she was out on a date with another man would trigger your competitive instinct. From what she tells me, you’ve done all right over the last four weeks from her, you know, in the bedroom.”

She stopped. I don’t know what look was on my face, but it was enough that Linda saw that something was spectacularly wrong. Finally I regained the mental faculty to hiss.

“Sandra and I haven’t made love in over six weeks. Are you telling me she is out on a date now? Fuck they could be booking into a motel as we speak.”

“No silly, I always insist that they come back to our house for sex.”

“WHAT! You mean they’ve already done it?”

“Yes, they had sex after the first date. Surely Dave, you knew that was the deal? Please tell me you did.”

They do say a picture paints a thousand words. This picture was me walking over to the nearest wall and punching my fist right through the plasterboard. Linda was dumbstruck, but recovered while I was rubbing my hand.

“Shit Dave, I can’t believe Sandra would play Neil and I like that. You really didn’t have a clue did you?” Her eyes hardened suddenly. “We’ve got to stop her.”

I was streets ahead of her. I hit speed dial on my phone. Sandra answered on the sixth ring, sounding out of breath.

 “You cheating bitch. You come home right now so we can sort this out. Linda has told me all about what you’ve been up to.”

“No can do Dave, I’m in the middle of something at the moment.”

“Yes, you’re in the middle of fucking our marriage away. You’ve been nagging me since the kids left home to let you stray. Well the answer was no then and it’s still fucking no now. Just because you have found some candy-assed way of justifying it to yourself doesn’t make it right.”

“No Dave. Look, I’m sorry you had to find out this way but I’ve given Neil and Linda my promise and you’ve always told me I should back up my promises. In another five weeks it will all be over and we can go back to normal. If it’s a problem, then maybe I can ask them if they can release me from my bond, but it will be up to them.”

“I can’t fucking believe this, get home right now!”

“No Dave. A promise is a promise. Anyway you don’t own me, I can do what I like.” The call then disconnected.

“Quick Linda, we’ve got to get over to your place. I’ve got to stop this shit. You drive, I’m over the limit.”

By the time we got there, the house was empty. Signs of a hasty departure were everywhere. Linda looked almost as sad as I felt.

“I’ve got an idea, I’ll ring Neil and tell him what she’s up to. No way will he keep going if he knows you didn’t approve,”

Both their phones went straight to message bank for the next few hours. At about 2AM I went home. Linda was as devastated as I was by her complicity in my betrayal. I made her promise

to tell her husband that he didn’t have my blessing to screw my wife and to make it clear that she was withdrawing her blessing. The deal was definitely off.

By lunchtime Sunday neither Linda nor I had heard from our spouses. Neither were they answering their phones.  That left me plenty of time to ponder. Shit, what else could I do, sleep was out of the question. Where had our marriage gone off the rails? As far as I knew we enjoyed a normal, healthy union. Nothing at all to indicate it was heading towards this train wreck.

By Sunday afternoon, I realised that by waiting at home, like a supplicant, I was making myself feel powerless. I packed a couple of bags and moved to a motel.

I heard nothing from anyone till Monday afternoon, when Linda rang.

“Dave, Neil came back last night. I asked him where he’d been and he said that after you rang Sandra on Friday night, they moved to a motel. Dave, Neil heard everything when you rang. He knew already that you weren’t in on the plan. I asked him why he’d done it and he said…” She paused and sobbed for a while, “He said I was such a dead root that he wasn’t going to give up the chance of a quality piece of ass like Sandra. Oh Dave it was so hurtful. I made him promise not to see Sandra again though. I recorded the conversation on my phone in case you didn’t believe me.”

“Of course I believe you Linda. Save the recording anyway, it may come in handy.”

“I also went to see Sandra today. She was nasty as well; said that if I’d been a proper woman I would have been able to keep my husband under control. That bitch has always bullied me. I asked her if she’d spoken to you and she said she was going to wait until you got over your hissy fit and crawled home. Dave she’s going to bluff you out. I’m so upset and embarrassed about everything, I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t do anything Linda. I’m seeing a lawyer tomorrow, maybe after that things might be clearer.”

Well, I have to say, the lawyer visit wasn’t encouraging. Sandra would get half of everything we owned. The only gem I got from him was right at the end. I didn’t understand what he was trying to say at first. He explained that the only time he’d seen the guy come out better than even in cases such as mine, was when the husband had got some juicy videos to threaten the wife with. He then quite pointedly asked if Sandra’s parents were still alive and whether she attended church at all, while waggling his eyebrows at me. What a great guy.

Wednesday I snuck into my old house and set up cameras in the bedroom and lounge. They transmitted to a hard drive that I hid in the basement. According to the guy in the shop, I would only have to change batteries and download the hard drive every 4-5 days, depending on usage.

That night Sandra finally deigned to send me a text asking when I was coming home. I replied that I’d left town for a few weeks. You’re much more likely to catch a mouse if it thinks the cat is away. I was starting to feel that Sandra didn’t give a shit about our marriage. I knew I no longer did. I kept in contact with Linda. On Friday night she rang me to say that Neil hadn’t come home. I offered to pick her up and we went out to dinner. They do say that misery craves company.

We managed to distract each other and actually enjoyed an okay time. On the way back to her place I told her about the cameras I’d set up, but swore her to secrecy. I asked her what she would do if she could prove Neil was cheating on her. She said probably nothing. I thought that if I could rub Neil’s infidelity in her face she may harden up and consider divorce. That was the only way I could see of getting back at the fucker besides smashing his face in. So I drove past my place and sure enough there was his car in my driveway. Linda cried all the way home and ran straight from the car to her house. I followed her in, tucked her in bed and held her until she’d cried herself to sleep.

I impatiently awaited Monday, which was the next safe time that I could retrieve the video footage.

Linda surprised me by ringing Saturday night. She wanted to go out with me again, to try to make Neil jealous. I’d nothing to lose so I agreed. After dinner we went dancing and had a whale of a time. I took her home at 1.30AM. Before we got there Linda was getting worried that Neil may have used her absence to sneak back to Sandra but his car was at her place.

At 9AM Monday, I snuck into my old house and swapped hard drives and batteries. Still with no job, I was free all day to watch them. It was well after lunch that I worked up enough courage to look. It was all a bit of an academic exercise until this point. Now the evidence was right in my face. I found myself closing my eyes when the footage of them entering the bedroom came up. I realised I’d misaligned the camera slightly. It was only catching their top halves, but the audio was good.

I opened my eyes again a remarkably short time later, after I vaguely registered his grunts of climax. When I looked at the scene, they were lying side by side talking. I listened. Then I excitedly rang Linda and suggested she got her ass round to my motel. She arrived within 20 minutes.

“Linda, you have got to see this.”

Linda grabbed a bottle of wine from the minibar while I fired up my laptop and started playback. I began when Sandra and Neil started their post-coital talking.

“When are you going to get that bimbo sister of mine served Neil? It would be great if we could have a spring wedding.”

“My lawyer was going to file on Monday and get her served Tuesday or Wednesday lover. I don’t want to delay too long. If she can get proof before then, I’m screwed with the whole prenup thing.”

“Don’t you feel a little sorry for the naïve bitch?”

“Nah. There’s only so long you can stay with a frigid bitch. Do you know what it’s like trying to stay excited when the other person just lies there looking like they hate every moment of it?”

Sandra gave a strange chuckle but said nothing.

“What about you Sandy? Don’t you feel a little something for Dave?”

“I wish you hadn’t asked that. Yes I do feel bad. He’s been a great husband and father and he’s great in the sack. But it’s time to trade up. He’s no longer going places and you’re already there darling. Fuck him, fuck them both.”

Linda was devastated. I wrapped her in my arms and stopped her pouring her third glass of wine. She sobbed for a long time. I knew how she felt. I’d been there 10 days ago. She finally settled down.

“Linda, what’s this prenup Neil talked about?”

“Oh daddy made us sign it before we got married.”

“What’s in it Linda?”

“It was daddy trying to protect my inheritance. If Neil cheats, then I get everything. I think we have a copy at home.”

“Linda, do you know what this all means?”

“What Dave?”

It means he is going to have you served either tomorrow or the next day, for irreconcilable differences. He’s going to be asking you for half the house, half the bank accounts and half the company. How much money do you have in the bank?”

“Last time I checked, almost $2M.”

“Phoeee! Now how much do you want to fuck up his life Linda?”

“As much as I possibly can Dave. What can you do?”

“Well it seems to me that if you countersue for adultery, using my video for evidence, then he walks away with his shirt and you become a very rich divorcee with a huge bank account, a lovely house and a $12M company. Would you like to do that Linda?”

With a smile bigger than a used car salesman, Linda laughed.

“Are the Kennedys gun-shy?”

“Marry me darling, marry me.”

After knowing me for so long, she saw the joke in this and laughed again. We hugged once more before the mood turned serious. Linda asked,

“Are you sure the video is good enough, have you watched it all?”

After I admitted that I’d closed my eyes during the rude bits, Linda insisted we watched it together. She held my hand to help me through it.

As far as pornos went it was a wash-out. It showed my darling wife and Neil stripping themselves. With no attempt at foreplay, Neil took her straight missionary. The quality was good enough to see her scowl of discomfort. 43 year old ladies need warming up. With no finesse, he just started banging away. Sandra made all the right noises but her face remained neutral. I almost choked when, about a minute and a half in, she actually looked at her watch behind his back.

I paused the video.

“Linda, is that a typical technique for Neil?”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m going to make a guess that you were a virgin when you married. Am I right?”

“Of course I was Dave.”

“At the risk of sounding personal Lin, how long is Neil’s, you know, his equipment?”

“About this big Dave,” she indicated with thumb and forefinger.

“No, I mean when it’s hard Linda.”

“That is when it’s hard Dave.”

I couldn’t stop laughing.

“Well Lin, I think I’ve solved another of your problems. With no foreplay, a technique like his and a dick that small, no wonder you don’t enjoy sex. You see Linda, I don’t think you’re frigid at all.”

“That would be fantastic Dave. Can I go to a doctor and do some tests or something?”

I stood and drew her into my arms. I breathed in her ear.

“Let Doctor Dave see what he can find.”

Linda’s moans started 30 seconds later, as I was kissing her neck. They only stopped 45 minutes later, when the screaming started. 45 minutes that included undressing her and licking every part of her gorgeous body. She was a little nervous still, when I kissed her sex, but that soon changed. After her first oral orgasm, I tried to move things along a bit, but she was having none of that. With insistent hands, she kept my head there for round two.

When she fell into an exhausted, but satisfied sleep, I slipped out to get us some lunch. When I returned Linda was just getting out of the shower. She had a very nervous look on her face. That soon vanished when I kissed her deeply and for a very long time. This time I resisted her hands pushing my head and made love to her like it should be. I don’t claim to be Casanova with a huge endowment, but she didn’t seem to have any complaints. We spent the rest of that day and night, kissing, loving and talking.

The next day, Linda sought and obtained an emergency meeting with her lawyer. Armed with my video and two testimonials, he started the ball rolling.

That afternoon and night, Linda and I spent playing Scrabble. Honestly guys, what did you think we were doing? Linda was on a mission to make up for lost time. I learned that there were several positions that just didn’t work. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t smother her screams with a pillow in some of them. Both our phones rang hot for the second evening in a row, but were ignored.

Wednesday morning, Linda called Neil and told him she would be at home all afternoon. Sure enough at 3.15PM there was a knock at the door. I opened it to reveal a youngish guy in a suit.

“Please come in, we’ve been expecting you. Linda is in the bathroom. Would you like a coffee?”

Slightly stunned, he agreed automatically and came in. I yelled, “Linda, the process server is here with your divorce papers.”

While waiting, we chatted. He seemed a nice enough guy. His name was Phil. Our coffees were half finished when Linda emerged. You know women and bathrooms. She strode over to Phil.

“Yes, yes, yes I’m Linda Winters. You have something I want.”

After Phil had done his official thing, we chatted again for a while. It turns out it was a bit of a shitty job but the pay was good. He refused a second cup and thanked us for making it such a unique experience. Bizarre but pleasant. Linda got one of his business cards. Resisting the urge for a laugh, we left the envelope unopened on the table when we left for the motel again.

I was waiting for Sandra when she got home from work that night. I used the opportunity to change out the hard drive and batteries. I shut down her half-arsed apologies and launched straight into showing her edited highlights of her home movie. She reacted with fury when I suggested that when she served me with divorce papers, they’d better be bloody generous to me or the video would go very public. She threw me out. Her careful plan had left the rails and was thundering into the ravine.

The next day Linda, I and our new pal Phil were waiting for Neil when he got home. Phil enjoyed this one as well.

I stayed while Neil packed, always between him and Linda. I was itching for him to try something and he knew it. 65 minutes later, he was gone. 35 minutes later all the locks were changed. Bank and business accounts were already frozen.

Answering a call from Sandra at 9PM, I was slightly disconcerted by her friendly tone. She said she just wanted to apologise in person for the appalling way she’d ended our marriage. For old time’s sake I went home. There was no answer to my knocking, so I tried the door. It was unlocked.

I could hear Sandra’s screams of passion echoing down the stairs. Playing their game I walked up and looked into our bedroom. With relief I realised that I felt nothing but contempt for what I saw. After half a minute Sandra pretended to see me for the first time.

“Aren’t you going to miss this Dave? Don’t worry about me, I’ve got a real man to satisfy me now.”

“Don’t sweat it dear, thanks to pencil dick here, your sister is much tighter.”

Ignoring the foul language and hurled objects, I beat a hasty retreat wondering what that had all been about.

My first task of my new job the next day was to fire my predecessor. Having been started with her money, the company was in Linda’s name. Neil should have known his company had a strict moral code. He wrote the bloody thing after all. Knowing absolutely nothing about manufacturing, I spent the morning talking to the senior staff and appointing an interim manager. I had their full support. Like many men with, ‘small dick syndrome’, Neil wasn’t a likeable character.

I’d just finished the essentials when I was arrested. Assault on Sandra Brown and Neil Winters apparently. I had to admire the strategy and it explained what last night was all about. It was slightly embarrassing, being looked at as a wife beater in the police station. I bailed myself out that same afternoon using just about all the savings I had left in the bank. I was moderately surprised that Sandra hadn’t cleaned it out already. The next day I was served with a restraining order against Sandra, Neil and my old house. It was valid for six months.

I moved in with Linda while the lawyers did their thing. The sex was mind blowing. Linda was on a mission to make up for lost time. With a stiff upper lip, I put up with the shame of extramarital sex. We’d no interest in knowing anything about what the ‘has-beens’ were up to, although we heard they were no longer together. Sandra may have been willing to put up with his small dick for a rich man, but not a pauper.

Linda’s divorce and civil case came up first, three months later. Neil didn’t try to fight the divorce, but of course fought the infidelity charge tooth and nail. He tried to claim that as the sex between he and Sandra was done with the complete consent of Linda, it didn’t constitute adultery. Sandra and he testified to that. I, of course testified with Linda that we’d both asked them to stop when I found out and Linda discovered I wasn’t a willing participant. I can’t tell you how proud of Linda I was that day. She managed to get out the whole story of her apparent frigidity and later discovery that it was all due to Neil’s miniscule equipment and selfish technique, with her head held high. The press gallery, attracted as always by sexual scandal, lapped it up. The recording Linda had taken of her begging Neil to stop his affair tipped the balance of power and his petition was allotted to the scrap heap. With his integrity in tatters and his manhood smashed, Neil left town.

We didn’t see either Neil or Sandra for another three months after that. Sandra smiled at me evilly from the witness box during my assault trial. She was very convincing and had a tear in her eye as she described me finding her in bed with Neil. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but surely she didn’t deserve to be beaten for it. The judge told me off when I applauded her performance at the end.

Neil was slightly less convincing, as he described how he couldn’t match my size and fury when I discovered him with my wife. I showed my respect for the judge this time and didn’t clap.

The prosecution lawyer tried to object when my guy put the recorded footage from the lounge room hidden camera into evidence, explaining why it hadn’t been handed over in the discovery process. My guy apologised to the judge and explained that I’d been unable to retrieve the hard drive until yesterday as the restraining order was still in place. Actually, Linda grabbed it two days after I was arrested but my guy didn’t know that.

I watched Sandra and Neil’s faces as they watched the drama unfold. This time I’d got the camera placement just right. It plainly showed them plotting at the kitchen table, after I’d gone. They’d been smart enough to remove the bedroom camera, but I don’t know if they hadn’t thought to look for others or just hadn’t found it. After a lengthy discussion, the silent courtroom saw Neil wrap a towel around his hand and knock Sandra to the floor. Trooper that she is, she got up again and braced herself for round two. She used a frying pan on Neil with gusto. Shouldn’t have gone first Neil.

The courtroom erupted and so I struggled to hear my case being dismissed and the judge yelling at the bailiff to arrest them. There are two crimes that judges hate. Contempt of court and perjury. They work hard to get where they are and those crimes call the court and by extension, themselves, into contempt. Sure, I could have released the video earlier and had them charged with conspiring to pervert the course of justice or making false statements, but I didn’t. Both Linda and I agreed that the shabby and contemptuous way we’d been treated deserved our best response.

By the time I’d cleared my name with the waiting media, the police chief wanted a word. He apologised for my wrongful arrest. I forgave him immediately and we chatted for a few minutes. Just as we were finishing Sandra was released. She marched towards Linda with obvious malice of forethought. I stepped in between my ex-beloved and current beloved.

“Sandra, you wouldn’t hit a pregnant woman would you?”

Sandra stopped dead. Her face went several shades of extremely pissed, then she just turned away before we could see her tears.

Two months later I read in the paper that the happy couple had received the minimum sentence for perjury, 12 months in prison. Right, time to start that divorce and sell that house.

I reflected that Sandra had been right. Her dating Neil triggered a competitive instinct in me. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the instinct to reclaim my mate through sex, but the baser instinct to kill and rend.

Two nights later, bathed in sweat Linda and I continued our running argument. We had continued our frenetic bedroom activities as Linda insisted she had 15 years of missed pleasure to make up for. By my calculations, I reckoned she was only eight years in arrears. She insisted it was still at least twelve. As I lay there stroking her bulging belly, we talked.

“Isn’t it silly darling? If they’d only done things properly, you know, asked us for divorces and then got together, things would be so different today. We would have been devastated I suppose but they would have been free and wealthy and having all the sex they could handle.”

“Something tells me that Neil is getting all the sex he can handle. They do say that Bubba can be quite insistent. Now shut up and let’s try to get down to twelve years.”

“Eight years, you insatiable bitch.”

Yesterday.

“What would you like to do for our 15^th anniversary Dave?”

“Nothing sweetie. Absolutely fucking nothing.”

The end

So you don’t go out into the world with negative thoughts after my tale, there follows my traditional funny.

An 81 year old man and his 80 year old wife are sitting together on the couch after celebrating their 60^th anniversary. The mood is nostalgic.

Wife: “Do you remember what you thought the first time you saw me?”

Husband: “Yes, as clearly as if it was yesterday. I thought, ‘gee I’d like to fuck her brains out’.”

The wife is shocked but at the same time kind of thrilled that she’d once elicited that sort of reaction.

Wife: “What did you think next?”

Husband: “I remember that one too, it was, ‘gee I’d like to suck them tits dry’.”

Again both shocked and proud the wife continues.

Wife: “And what do you think now?”

The husband looks over at his beloved wife. “I think I did a fucking good job.”

Please don’t take offence at the above joke. I love women of all ages. You’re all beautiful.

The author