Wealth

byVandemonium1

Well, you asked for it. I’ve come up with something a little different. As usual, it contains a plot I’ve never seen before, but wait, there’s more. I’ve also put it in a format that I’ve never seen before as well, either on this site or anywhere. I could have written it as a normal story and got my usual 4+ score. I’ve chosen not to, partly for my, and your, amusement and partly to demonstrate once and for all, that scores mean little to me. I write for several reasons, the chief of which is the joy of exercising an imagination that for years I didn’t know I actually had. So, feel free to read it in the same manner in which I wrote it and smile.

You have three options on how you read it. 1) You can read it as it is presented below, in which case It will be a serious story with a twist, followed by some fun. 2)  Transfer it to your favoured word processor program and insert chapter 1a after chapter 1, 2a after 2, etc. It becomes a light hearted piece, but you will miss out on the twist. 3) Read it as is, then insert chapter 1a after chapter 1, 2a after 2, etc, then read again. That way you get the twist and the fun.

Many thanks to the bunch of crazies that kindly donated their time to review this one.

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Conversations 1: Dave, Sandra and Sebastian

“Well, I must say, I’m shocked, Sandra.”

“I’m so sorry, Dave. I can’t help it. I fell in love with Sebastian.”

“You can’t do that, Sandra. You’re married to me.”

“Sorry, Dave.”

“Eight years. Eight bloody years of toiling for you, Sandra, and what do I have to show for it? Scarred hands and a peptic ulcer, that’s what I have. Why did you do this? Didn’t I work hard enough for us? Didn’t I love you enough? Wasn’t I considerate enough in bed, is my cock too small?”

“I’m so sorry, Dave. None of those things matter to me. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were a good loyal husband and I do love you. It’s just…”

“What, Sandra?”

“Well, Dave, I’ll be brutally honest, you deserve that. Look out in the driveway.”

I looked as directed and saw two cars from the window of our, sorry, my modest two-bedroom home.

“So what?”

“As you said, Dave. You’ve been working your ass off for eight years but you still drive a Ford.”

Dave looked at his car. He loved that car. He’d been so happy when he traded his old VW for it. Then, he looked at the gleaming Ferrari sitting next to it.

“So that’s what it’s all about is it? You’re trading up. Fuck love, fuck respect, just go for the gold. I drive a Ford, he drives a Ferrari, I lose.”

“Um, that’s not his car, Dave, it’s mine. Sebastian bought it for me last week.”

“What the f… How long has this been going on for, wife? A guy certainly doesn’t buy a $300,000 car for someone he’s just met.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. Sebastian and I have been dating for about six months. I’d just like to say that it has been eating me up inside, going behind your back. It’s really started to affect my relationship with Sebastian, so we decided to come clean.”

Dave sat there silently for over a minute, his face portraying various emotions, from shock, through disbelief, to anger.

“Okay, Sandra, why don’t you complete my humiliation. How long have you been fucking this shithead? How much bigger is his cock than mine? Come on, finish destroying me why don’t you.”

“Now, now, Mr. Brown. I know this must come as a complete shock to you, but there is no need to be insulting. For the record, Sandra has insisted that we don’t have sex or do anything else inappropriate until we are married. So, no, we haven’t had sex yet.”

“Well, also for the record, I would prefer if you just sat there and shut the fuck up. This is between me and my wife.”

A look of pure vindictiveness crossed Dave’s face.

“Actually, that doesn’t surprise me at all. She did the same thing to me. That way she can hide the fact that she is a lousy fuck from you.”

Sebastian grabbed and squeezed Sandra’s hand to let her know he wasn’t fooled by this uncouth man’s cheap trick. Honestly, Sandra had earned his respect by taking the stand she had. It was hard not being able to kiss those luscious lips, set in that beautiful face, but he could wait.

“Don’t blame Sandra, Mr. Brown. I pursued your wife, not the other way around. I am incredibly wealthy and spared no expense in my seduction, I can tell you. No woman alive could have resisted the full court press that I put on her. Don’t take it as a reflection on Sandra, or indeed yourself. I’m sorry, but neither of you stood a chance. I’ve been aware all my life of the seductive power of money.”

Dave let his facial expression do the talking.

“Yes, I knew she was married when I started my pursuit, and yes, I do feel bad about it. I’m sorry I’m stealing her away from you but I couldn’t help myself. She’s so beautiful I just couldn’t resist it. I know it’s wrong. If it helps, my parents refuse to even meet her and have temporarily stopped putting money in my trust fund, but I’m sure they will come around when they see what a beautiful person she is on the outside and on the inside.”

Dave ignored Sebastian’s comments. The guy made his skin crawl.

“What about the family we planned to start shortly, Sandra? The girl that was going to have your looks and my brain. The boy that was going to have my strength and your athleticism. What is going to happen to our dreams?”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’ll have to buy some new ones. Sebastian is giving me an allowance. It’s slightly more in a month than you make in six.”

“Fuck that’s cold, Sandra. Love and loyalty stand for nothing. Cash conquers all.”

“I’m sorry, Dave.”

“So, what now?”

“Well, I was hoping we could all part as friends, Mr. Brown. I am willing to offer you compensation for your loss. As I said, money means nothing to me. Maybe that way you won’t delay the divorce and we can all move on as quickly as possible…”

“Fuck off! Up till now this conversation has just been sickening. Now, it’s getting insulting. Fuck off out of my house. You can have the slut. Take her out of my sight. I won’t block the divorce; I can’t wait to be rid of her cheating ass. Fuck off!”

Sebastian, scared by this tirade, grabbed Sandra’s arm and they left hurriedly. Sebastian had to drive as Sandra had her head buried in her hands, crying uncontrollably. He dropped her off at the upmarket apartment he’d provided her. She talked him out of coming in, saying she needed time to come to terms with all Dave’s cruel words. Sebastian decided to get his other uncomfortable confrontation out of the way. The one, to try to talk his father into supporting him again. He couldn’t tell Sandra, but the Ferrari and her allowance was severely cutting into his funds. Without a top up, he would be in financial strife within six months. He called a cab and waited.

Conversation 2: Sandra and Sebastian. The next day.

 “But your husband said he didn’t want any compensation.”

“Of course he did, sweetie. I warned you not to offer it in the heat of the moment. I know him, he’s a proud man. Offering it there and then, he had no choice but to refuse. The way to do it is just to put it in his bank account. I have the numbers.”

“I don’t know, Sandra.”

“Just trust me sweetie. I know him. Despite what he said yesterday, he could make it very difficult for us, but he’s a man of honour. If he doesn’t return the money to you, he won’t stand in our way. Besides, it will make me feel a lot better knowing he got something out of our marriage. Something to help him get over his snit.”

“Okay, Sandra. I’ll go with your call on this one, if for no other reason than to make you feel better. How much do you think I should give him?”

“Well, the amount is not important, unless it was so puny that he took it as an insult. It has to be something with some rationale behind it to maximise the chances he won’t reject it. How about $100,000 for every year we were married? Can you afford that, sweetie?”

“Of course, darling. Anything for the love of my life and the future mother of my children. I can get my lawyers working on your divorce straight away.”

“No, please let me handle it, I feel I owe him that. Dave and I were married in the Cayman Islands. I’ve done some research, and the divorce process there is to go there, pay them some money and wait while they issue the decree nisi. The other party then has a month to object. If they don’t, then it automatically goes into effect.”

“Wow, that’s great.”

“I know. If you were to buy me a ticket, I could be there Monday. Better book a resort room for a week, that should do it.”

“But, darling. I have meetings all week.”

“That’s a shame. How about this? With your blessing, I’d like to take my best friend, Carol. We can have a bit of a wake for my marriage while we’re down there. You know, get it out of my system. I can explain what I’m doing and hope she still wants to be friends. I know she likes Dave a lot. If all goes well, maybe I can talk her into being my matron of honour.”

“You mean…”

“Yes sweetie, while I’m away you can start organising our wedding. How about we say, eight weeks from today.”

“Oh darling, you have made me the happiest man on earth. But, isn’t it a bit soon? It will take time to organise.”

“I don’t think we should do anything too flash. Just immediate family and friends in the cathedral will suit me. You can hire a wedding planner to rush it all through. As you said, money talks. There’s something else I need you to do, sweetie.”

“Anything, darling.”

“I need you to start taking vitamins. I intend to have sex from the minute your signature is on the wedding certificate, until dawn the next day. Believe me, you’ll need all your strength for the onslaught you’re going to be subjected to.”

Despite his growing erection, Sebastian was worried. He hadn’t yet succeeded in talking his family into accepting his liaison with a married woman. Fuck it, they would come around as soon as Sandra got her divorce and they saw how in love they were. Sandra interrupted his reverie.

“Actually, sweetie, there is something you can get your lawyers to do.”

“What’s that, darling?”

 “I still feel a little bad about Dave. Can we draw up an agreement that everything I accumulated with him is transferred into his name only. That way he can relax knowing I can never touch it, whatever happens down the track. It will give him peace of mind.”

“Okay, darling, that’s easy and very decent of you.”

“I know. He didn’t deserve any of this and despite what he is showing, I know he is devastated. I just can’t shut off the love I felt for him until you came into my life.”

“Your loyalty gives you credit.”

“Thanks, sweetie. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Conversation 3: Sebastian and Sandra. The following Thursday.

“Hello, sweetie, thanks for calling.”

“How was your day, Sandy?”

“Good. I sent the paperwork in to the government authority today, pity it took me two days to get it. Then, Carol and I hit the beach. It’s just a matter of waiting now until the old wheels turn and we get that magical piece of paper. They refused to say whether it will be one day or ten. I’ll go there every morning and nag them, you can be sure of that.”

“That’s great to hear. How is Carol taking your news?”

“Well, she was upset at first, but now she can see the advantages that money can buy and she’s coming around. That’s why I wanted to bring her. She wants to know if you have a brother.”

“Ha-ha. Has she agreed to be your matron of honour?”

“I haven’t told her about the wedding yet. I want to seduce her with the money first, just like you did with me. When she’s had a few more days of living the high life, I’ll drop it on her. Don’t have a fit when you see the bill for that credit card you gave me. As you know, seductions aren’t cheap. How did you go with your folks?”

“Well, Mum is over the line, she’s keen to meet you and is ecstatic about the wedding. Just between you and me, I think she secretly feared I was gay. Dad isn’t convinced, but I’m sure he’ll come around when he meets you. He’s being stubborn about the money though.”

“What about the money?”

“Sorry, it’s nothing. I shouldn’t have mentioned it. Look, don’t think I’m ashamed about your background or anything, but I kind of told them you were a rich heiress from out of state. They’ll believe it when they see you in the Ferrari. Just don’t let on I bought it for you, okay? Daddy would not be happy.”

“Righto, sweetie.”

“Um, there’s one more thing, Sandy. It’s a little uncomfortable for me to bring up. It’s something that my father is insisting on.”

“Out with it, sweetie, there shouldn’t be any secrets between us should there? Open communications are essential for a happy marriage after all.”

“Sure. Dad wants us to sign a prenup. The same one my brother and sisters signed when they got married.”

“I would expect nothing less.”

“What? You’re happy to do that?”

“Of course. As long as you and I write it, not your Dad. I trust you but don’t even know him. I understand why they want it. They don’t know that I’m not some gold digging tramp do they? Why don’t you email me a copy? It will give me something to read while I’m cooling my heels down here.”

“Good idea. I’ll do that right now. Dad will be relieved. Between you and me, he told me that the biggest test for a gold digger was how hard they fought the prenup. Now I can tell him, with complete honesty that you were keen for it. I love you, Sandra.”

“Yes, me too. Goodnight, lover.”

Conversation 4: Sebastian and Sandra. Four weeks later.

“Did you get a chance to read the prenup, Sandra?”

“Yes, but it all legal mumbo jumbo to me. Can you just explain it?”

“Well, the first few pages are just the financial declarations. You know, listing all we own.”

“Mine is a pretty short list, Sebastian.”

“Yes, well it was your idea to give your husband everything, Sandra. I’ve done some digging and his business is worth half a million. You could have got half of that. I know, I know, he couldn’t afford to buy your half. I didn’t even know businesses like that existed. What exactly did you and Dave do?”

“We coordinated and managed fund raising for different charities. We came up with the ideas and did the leg work. We were supposed to get 10% of the donations, but half the time we didn’t take that much.”

“Not a recipe for a wealthy life then? It sounds like a lot of work for not much reward.”

“It was a labour of love really. There are more rewards in life than just money, you know. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about my old life. Keep telling me about these lists, then.”

 “Well, like I was saying, your list just has your car. The lists are separated into two halves. One of assets we share, and one of stuff we own separately.”

“Which list is my car on, sweetie?”

“Well, at the moment it’s on the communal property list, but we can change that if you like.”

“I love my car, sweetie.”

“Um, the next section is about what happens if we, er, separate.”

“What, like if we get divorced? That’s not being very positive.”

“I know that darling. The first bit is about what we do if we have children. It says that we will have shared care and stuff like that.”

“Yes, I think I understood that section. Is all the rest about what we do if we separate?”

“Er, yes.”

Tell you what then lover, let’s skip the rest. Just show me where to sign. If you say it’s fair and there are no clever tricks to rip me off, then I believe you. You’re my lover and I trust you. Where do I sign?”

“You will never know how much that means to me, darling. Will you marry me?”

“Yes sweetie, in three weeks’ time. Ooh, is that my ring. Gee, that diamond is huge.”

Conversation 5: Sebastian and Sandra. Two days later.

“How long before the 30 days expires, Sandra?”

“Just another six days darling. You remember, things were a bit slow down in the Caymans, I ended up having to stay down there 11 days.”

“Of course I remember. It was torture being away from you that long. So, next Monday it is. How would you like to celebrate?”

“I don’t think we should celebrate. It will be a bit of a sad day for me.”

“I’m sorry, Sandra. That was inconsiderate of me. It will be a relief though.”

“Yes, I still can’t help thinking Dave is going to spring something on me at the last minute.”

“Me too. Have you spoken to him lately?”

“I’m so embarrassed when I talk to him. I figured that if I left him alone, there’s less chance of him rocking the boat. I still feel pretty bad about what we did to him.”

“Yes, me too, but you know what they say, may the best man win and all that.

“Yes. How are you going with your Dad?”

“All right, I suppose. I think you charmed him around some when you met him. He still can’t see why we have to get married so quickly though. He wants us to wait awhile and have a big society affair. I told him what you said, that you didn’t want it splashed all over the newspapers and embarrass Dave. Mum doesn’t care. She’s just relieved I’m not gay.”

“I was surprised your Mum didn’t seem to like me more. She struck me as a bit of a snooty, arrogant sort of person.”

“Well, she is snooty and arrogant. I think she was disappointed you didn’t talk like a rich heiress. She’s probably jealous, as well, at you being so beautiful, I mean.”

“Your Dad was very, er, abrupt as well. He must have asked me for my surname at least three times.”

“Yes, that’s Dad. You didn’t tell him did you? Good, if I know him, he’ll want to get his spies on the case. You know, digging up all the dirt about you.”

“No, I pretended to spill my drink on him when he got real pushy. That shut him up.”

“Smart as well as beautiful, I’m one lucky guy aren’t I?”

Conversation 6: Sebastian and Sandra. Three days later.

“Why are you crying, darling?”

“I’m sorry sweetie. I just got off the phone with Dave. I could have handled him ranting and raving, calling me names, anything. Instead, he rings me up and wishes me luck. He actually thanked me for all the happy years we had together and let me know he didn’t object to the decree nisi. I feel like such a heel.”

“Well, you did say that if he accepted my, er, compensation package, he wouldn’t oppose the divorce. You were right.”

“Yes, but don’t you see, that just makes it worse. He’s acting with integrity and pride. I’m acting like a shallow tramp with no scruples or morals. I feel so bad.”

“Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself, Sandy, love has conquered all. Sure, you dissolved your marriage, but you did it in the most decent way possible. This is just his way of thanking you for that, I’m sure.”

“You may be right.”

“I’m sure I am. Now, if he’s talking to you again, do you think he’ll have a word with your folks and your friends? Don’t think I haven’t noticed how miserable you are that they’ve cut you off. Is your Mum still the only one talking to you?”

“Yes, and even she treats me like a leper when she does answer the phone. She told me yesterday that talking to me was putting a strain on her relationship with Dad. Oh, Sebastian, our wedding should be a joyous occasion, but every time I think about it, all I imagine is some stranger walking me down the aisle in front of a bunch of other strangers from your side and my side of the church completely empty. No, I don’t feel like repaying Dave’s kindness by asking him to get my family and friends to the wedding.”

“Well, we’ve got two and a half weeks to do something drastic then. Who is the key Sandy? Who would open the floodgates to everyone else if they agreed to come.?”

“My Dad I suppose. If he saw how much we love each other and how generous you are, I’m sure he’d come. Then all my other relatives would feel free to attend. However, he still refuses to talk to me. Mum says he’s really upset about the Scout hall as well. Keeps muttering about bad things coming in threes and looking around for the third disaster.”

“Eh? What about the Scout hall?”

“He’s been the local Scout Master for almost thirty years. Generations of Scouts have grown up healthy because of my father. Now, the Scout hall has been condemned, riddled with asbestos apparently. Dad says he has had an architect design a new one and talked to builders, but it will cost over $350,000 to tear the old one down and build a new one. Even with Dave helping him, he reckons it will take about ten years to raise that kind of cash.”

“Hmm, Sandy. Without knowing it, you’ve given me an idea. If you get your Mum to give me the names of the architects and the builders, I may well be able to fill up your side of the church after all.”

“Oh, what do you have in mind, Sebastian?”

Conversation 7: Sebastian and Sandra. Twelve days later.

“Oh, you wonderful, wonderful man.”

“I take it that it worked then.”

“Like a charm. As soon as the builders agreed on a fixed price for the new hall and your cheque cleared, Dad rang me up and said he’d be honoured to give me away at the wedding. Since then the phone has rung hot with cousins, uncles, aunts and even some friends accepting their invitations. Come here you gorgeous thing. I should let you… no, we’ve made it this far, we can last another five days.”

“Bugger. Not even just a little…”

“No, Sebastian. Just imagine how it would be when we tell our daughters to save themselves for their wedding night, knowing we didn’t.”

“Of course, you’re right, Sandy. I wish I had your self-control.”

“Good. Now the better news. Carol has worked like 40 mongrels all day and has organised an impromptu hen’s night for me tomorrow. Let’s see; that will be Wednesday night; that will still allow me two nights in cloister.”

“What the hell’s that?”

“It’s an old fashioned term for the period the groom isn’t allowed to see or talk to the bride before the wedding.”

“You mean…”

“Yes, Sebastian. I’ll see you at the church Saturday afternoon. I’ll be the one in white coming up behind you. Don’t be late and remember your vitamins. I can promise you a night like no other.”

Conversation 8. The wedding is over, the papers are signed, the happy couple are parked outside the party venue.

“Can we do it right now, in your wedding dress? We can put the top down on the car and the seats fold flat.”

“Control yourself, pervert.”

“Ow, that hurt.”

“Yes, and if you don’t remove your hand right now, I’ll slap you again. There’s my brother waving, come on, they’re ready for us.”

“All right. Spoil sport.”

“Wow, don’t you look flash.”

“Why, thank you, Pete.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your husband. They’re your best sneakers, aren’t they?”

“Ha-ha. Everyone’s a bloody comedian. Just make the announcement, mongrel.”

Peter threw the double doors of the old hall open.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Bride and Groom. Mr. and Mrs. David Brown.”

It took the happy couple fifteen minutes to traverse the short distance from the doors to the high table at the other end of the hall. An observant witness may have pieced together a lot from snippets of conversation in that time.

“How’s the new hall going Dad?”

“Good, they’ve started putting up the big airtight tent around the old one already, so they can start knocking it down.”

“My bet is dear Sebastian and his daddy won’t even fight the prenup. That way it will stay out of the media and they’ll avoid all the embarrassment. 

When anyone asks about her rings, Sandra pulls them out of her purse to show them. Finally, the happy couple arrive at the high table and David bows to Sandra in respect. They each move to an end of a large whiteboard, covered in a sheet. Together, they pull the sheet off. This reveals a flowsheet with headings down one side, next to amounts. The headings include, ‘Ferrari’, ‘Allowance,’ ‘Rings’, ‘Prenup’, ‘Compensation’ and ‘Scout hall’. Under the amounts column is a total. It’s a seven figure number. This brings a gasp from more than one throat. Across the board, arrows are drawn from the amounts to one or more charities, showing how the funds have been allocated. In the bottom right hand corner, is the total remaining after allocation to the various charities. This total wasn’t even considered a number until Arabic mathematicians successfully argued it was. 0. Dave began the ovation for Sandra. It went on for many minutes.

Conversation 9. An hour later.

“Here, have another glass of champagne, dear.”

“You just want to get me drunk so you can’t have your wicked way with me.”

“Shit yeah! There’s a little room out the back, where they store the mats. Care to leave your adoring fans for a while and indulge my second favourite fantasy?”

“What’s that?”

“To fuck someone else’s wife.”

“I thought that was your favourite.”

“Noooo. That’s to fuck her in her wedding dress.”

“Oh, all right then, but only if you promise me one thing.”

“Your wish is my command.”

“Can we please get married for real this time?”

“Bitch. That’s blackmail.”

Conversation 10. Dave and Sandra have agreed to a meeting with Sebastian’s father.

“You must be David Brown. Have we met before? You look a little familiar.”

“Yes, we have. I did some fund raising for your wife’s charity about three years ago. Despite raising twice as much as she wanted, you reneged on the bonus you promised us. Due to that, I had to tell an orphanage that I couldn’t pay the money I’d promised them. I thought appealing to your wife would work, but obviously not. She’s just as tight as you are.”

“I remember, now. That’s business though, you should have read the contract better. Is that why you humiliated my son?”

Sandra broke in. “Partly, but mostly Sebastian humiliated himself. We wanted to teach him a lesson opposite from the one you’ve been teaching him all his life. Ripping off his father, one of the stingiest businessmen in this city, renowned for giving as little away as possible was a bonus, I admit.”

“What lesson?”

“The lesson that not all shiny, pretty things are his for the right price. That some things transcend money and power, such as love, integrity and fidelity. Your son knew I was married, but never hesitated for a second trying to entice me away. Some people just need a bloody nose before they finally learn something. Live and learn, not everything is for sale.”

“So, you admit you’re already married then. That means we can get an annulment to overturn this sham.”

“Common law man and wife, I’m afraid.”

“I don’t know how you can both sit there and talk about honesty and integrity after all you’ve done.”

“Easy. Throughout this entire episode, Sandra didn’t tell your son, or you, one lie. She did tell me things, in front of your son, that were technically untrue, but I was in on the plot, so they weren’t lies. She didn’t say she loved him one single time. He’s so arrogant that not once did he question if his world view was correct or not.”

“Yes, the most I bent the truth was saying, “Dave and I got married in the Cayman Islands.” That’s where he and I committed to each other, and in my mind, the day we were married. Your son just filled in the blanks by himself.”

“You don’t have to tell me that my son is a fool. I know that. You have to tell me though, how can you possibly think that I will let you get away with this? Accidents do happen, you know.”

“Two reasons, really. One, this conversation is being recorded and transmitted to a remote receiver. Two, anything happens to us and a third party mails a nice little package to the media. So far, very few people know that your son humiliated himself. Anything happens to us and that becomes a whole lot more. The third party even knows what charity to donate the proceeds of the sale to. Take this one on the chin, Sir.”

With that Sandra and Dave arose and walked hand in hand to the exit. Leaving behind a glowering, frustrated, but slightly wiser man.

The story could be over at this point, but I promised you a different format didn’t I. I like to deliver on my promises. Below are chapters 1a-6a. Insert them in the relevant spaces in the above story and you have much more detail on the other side of the story.

 Conversations 1a: Dave and Sandra. The night after conversation 1. Sandra’s new apartment.

“That was quick, Dave. You were waiting around the corner weren’t you?”

“Too bloody right. I watched old Sebby leave and came straight up.”

“Well, don’t give the game away, you’ll spoil the fun.”

“You can talk. I thought you were going to give us away by bursting out laughing at one point this afternoon.”

“Yes, but that was your fault.”

“What?”

“I’m bloody glad that Sebby couldn’t look you in the eye or he would have seen the same twinkle I did. I was going to nominate you for an Oscar, but should give you a damned good spanking for almost making me crack up.”

“Oooo, I’ll be waiting in the bedroom, bent over the chair.”

“Pervert. Beg to report, I had to give him another peck on the lips.”

“Well, that changes everything. You bend over the chair.”

“Now you’re talking!”

Conversations 2a: Dave and Sandra. Three days after conversation 2. On the balcony of a penthouse, overlooking a beach on Grand Cayman. They are sharing a single chair, with Sandra in front.

You’ve spelt nisi wrong, it’s an ‘s’ not a ‘c’.”

“Well, I’m a dumb blonde, remember. Anyway, it’s hard to concentrate with someone looking over your shoulder. It’s even harder to concentrate when they’re doing what you are with your hands.”

“Sorry, Sandy, you know I can’t help myself when you’re in a bikini. This place sure is flasher than the backpackers we stayed in the last time we were here.”

“Yes, I could get used to this, as I could flying first class too. Now stop that or I’ll be forced to do something drastic.”

‘Such as?”

“You, bedroom, now.”

“All right, if you insist. That will put us another half day behind you realise? Another half day in this hell hole.”

“That’s a price I’m willing to pay. We have to wait for that flash printer we ordered and that special paper we need anyway.”

Okay, you drive a hard bargain, let’s go.”

Conversations 3a: Dave and Sandra. Just after conversation 3

“You know, it’s starting to worry me how easy you deceive people, Sandy.”

“Far out, Dave. I’ve told you, I only bullshit people I don’t respect. Anyway, listen to what I’m saying to him. I don’t lie. I just phrase things in a special way and wait for him to fill in the blanks. Quit complaining, anyway. You got a first class ticket, to a first class resort, with a first class piece of ass. Tell me, what is there to complain about?”

“The beach.”

“What about the beach?”

“Well, we’ve had sex on the bed, on the balcony, on the cliffs and on that boat yesterday, but we haven’t done it on the beach yet.”

“Well, it’s dark. Do you want to do it now or after dinner?”

“Both.”

“Okay. Let me just print out that one page first. The guy in the shop said it’s best to leave the ink to dry for a while.”

Conversations 3b: Dave and Sandra. The day after 3a

“Will you please get my cock out of your mouth. I’m trying to concentrate here. Now where was I? Oh yes. In years 0-2, if you agree to divorce each other and there is no infidelity, then you get your listed assets, 10% of the joint assets and he gets 90%. For every two years, your share increases by 10%, up to a maximum 50% after eight years.”

“Would infidelity include something like this, Dave?”

“Yes, definitely. Now slow down, you’re wobbling the laptop so I can’t read.

“If he screws around on you during the marriage, then you’ll automatically get 90% of everything and custody of any kids. If you screw around on him, then your share is capped at half a mil.”

“So I can dump him on the wedding day and still get $500,000? That’s very generous of him.”

“You’ve got to realise, honey, that half a mil is nothing to these people. They would hardly even see it as a deterrent. Fuck the computer, just keep doing what you’re doing.”

Conversations 4a: Dave and Sandra. The day after conversation 4.

“Gee, you’re still the best honey licker I’ve ever known, Dave. That was fantastic. I’m so turned on when I meet you these days. I’d read that cheating sex was exciting. Now I know it’s true.”

“What the…”

“Keep your hair on. It feels like I’m cheating on Sebastian. When I dump him, how about I get another boyfriend?”

“No bloody way. My heart couldn’t stand going through this again.”

“You haven’t said what you think of my ring yet, Dave. Didn’t you see it?”

“How could I miss it. I think it could be seen from the moon with the naked eye. What charity shall we donate that to?”

“I was thinking of looking for one that supports victims of illegal diamond mining in Africa. You know, like in the movie, ‘Blood Diamond’.”

“Yeah, good one. Very apt. By the way, I’ve done some research on what you will get for the Ferrari. We should be able to get at least eight minivans for the Make-a-Wish foundation with the proceeds.”

“Aw, can’t I keep the Ferrari? I look good in it.”

“Not one cent, remember. Everything goes to charity. We may be bastards for doing this, but we’re bastards with integrity.”

“Yeah, I know, lover, just yanking your chain.”

“Sandy, you’re not being seduced by the lifestyle of the rich and famous are you?”

“No way honey. I have the love of a good man; what else do I need?”

“So you don’t look at our little house and compare it to Sebastian’s parents’ mansion?”

“Nope. There is more love in our little bathroom than in the whole of that monstrosity. That reminds me. We haven’t done it in the shower for a while.”

“Bugger off, you insatiable bitch. Are you trying to kill me?”

“Depends. How much is your life insurance worth? I could donate that to victims of crime.”

Conversations 5a: Dave and Sandra. The day after conversation 5.

“He really said that? May the best man win.”

“Yes, but don’t you see, that justifies what we’re doing.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah. You started with nothing and built a half million-dollar business, that employs eight people, with my help of course. He was born with money and lives on handouts from daddy. You’re obviously the best man.”

“Am I better in bed?”

“That’s something I will never know.”

“Am I a better kisser?”

“Buggered if I know. I’ve managed to stave off everything but a quick smack on the lips so far. Oooh, if you don’t stop that in the next hour or so, I’ll scream, okay?”

Conversations 6a: Dave and Sandra. Via telephone, two hours after conversation 6.

“Did he take the bait.”

“Yep, hook, line, sinker and half the reel as well. It’s funny how rich people always solve problems the same way every time. Throw money at them. How do you know how to play the little schmuck so well?”

“Ah, it’s all about FIGJAM I suppose.”

“FIGJAM?”

“Fuck I’m Good, Just Ask Me.”

“Funny man. Now get your ass around here.”

“Won’t I get between you and your lover?”

“The only thing that gets between me and my lover is eight inches long and very hard. Now, I won’t say this again. Get it over here.”

The end.

Right, I’m all lubed up, comment away.

Now lighten up.

The following joke is on kind loan by member JohnChild.

Two hillbillies are sitting in a bar. One says, “If I give your wife a baby, will that make us kin?”

The other thinks for a while. “No, but it will make us even.”

Thanks John

They do say money can’t buy you love. No, but I’ve always preferred sex anyway.